By Dr. Jason Carson
"The only self-help book that will actually cost you an arm and a leg!"
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About the Author: Dr. Jason Carson
Jason Carson has a PhD in human psychology, having written the critically acclaimed self-help book, Separating You: A Self-Help Book for the Lost, Lonely, and Psychotically Obsessed. His current mission is to enlighten weak minds and bring hope to those who need it the most.
Disclaimer: The following questions are answered from the perspective of Dr. Jason Carson, a fictional character with psychopathic tendencies. The thoughts and views expressed do not represent the actual opinions of Separating You's true author, John Shupeck. If at any time you feel violent urges or uncontrollable anger, please seek help immediately.
Hi Jason. Thanks for joining me today.
Can you tell the readers a little about yourself?
Well, I have a doctorate in human psychology, though my 31 years of experience on spaceship Earth have given me a vast intellectual wealth far exceeding the simple dissection of human action and reasoning. I know how to cut apart the mind, and likewise, I know how to cut apart the body. In that sense, talking to me is like talking to both a therapist and a surgeon. Honestly, I more enjoy being considered a surgeon, despite my lack of formal qualifications in that field. Either way, you ask me to cut, and I will do it with the utmost precision.
Really, I'd like to know more about you, the interviewer. You're very pretty. Where are you from?
Uh... Thanks? Maybe later... Let's move on to the next question...
What was your motivation for writing this book?
Pain. Every afternoon, I drink my coffee, cry a little, then walk outside and observe indescribable, gutwrenching pain. I believe I have the cure, the one thing people are lacking as they haplessly walk through the same trials and tribulations day after day, never realizing there is something more, something that can save them. That answer is me. They need me, and I need them. I need you. My Babies. My dear, sweet chosen ones...
Oh dear... *Shuffles back in seat*
Do you have any advice for people who struggle to make decisions?
Stop questioning yourself. Stop wondering, and asking, and considering such incidental things like society, consequences, and morals. Do what you feel, no matter how it may make others feel. Do you want to make more money? Pursue that. Do you want recognition for yourself, for all of those dullards who have scoffed and laughed at you to finally take notice? Why are you waiting!? Do you want to quite literally bathe in the blood of your enemies and then shower off with their tears? The world is a wellspring, your local neighborhood the gulf in which you can hop into and splish-splash to your heart's content. My advice: stop worrying, drop your skivvies, and jump right in! The red is so beautiful when it swirls down the drain...
Seems (kind of) reasonable... mostly?
What is your opinion on making mistakes in life?
I don't have an opinion, because I don't make mistakes. You're the one who makes mistakes. I'm just here to help clean up the mess.
Huh, right... okay.
And could you share a piece of wisdom with other authors?
Stop boxing yourselves into a particular genre. In the classics, there are a whole plethora of secondary themes explored. The Exorcist, while marketed as a horror film, was actually a tragic comedy. Psycho was a love story, Silence of the Lambs an allegory for how women cannot test the might of a man without the aid of a gun. I laugh at other so-called "authors," because they don't understand...they are so obsessed with pandering to the fans of one particular genre that they can't see...can't see the hilarity in another's misfortunes, can't see how you can find a bright side in the even the most suffocating of darknesses, can't see how death can be a cathartic experience, as long as you know how to look at it from the right perspective. No one can ever match what I have written because I have the mind of God. I keep trying to find another God, but all I keep finding is pathetic, sniveling victims. Use your imagination...that is my advice, though I know no one but me ever truly will.
May I have your address now? You are so pretty.